“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
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Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*