When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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thank god the sign was there
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.