I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Me: I鈥檓 going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn鈥檛 look up from kindle]
7yo: I don鈥檛 care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn鈥檛 you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn鈥檛 get granola bars?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
60% of Americans? That鈥檚 almost half. 馃檪
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I鈥檓 Guy and I鈥檓 the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you鈥檙e an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn鈥檛 ask me such hard questions
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Body: we鈥檙e exhausted. We鈥檙e going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.