[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
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When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken