My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Batman v Dracula
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times