The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
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If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
😂😂😂