Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
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Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Cake safety first. Always.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
We avoided this particular disaster
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Candles never taste the way they smell
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.