This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
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well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*looks at you in batman voice*