-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.