[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Happy thanksgiving!
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
this is me
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*