I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.