Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
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shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.