ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
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Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri