I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star