When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Me irl
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”