You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
You Might Also Like
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”