Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
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8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
why isn’t he texting back
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.