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Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
This guy’s not having it 😆
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
He’s cranky this morning
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer