I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
You Might Also Like
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.