[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
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The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Money is the root of all wealth
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”