*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.