MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
You Might Also Like
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss