Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me when my alarm goes off
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then