Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!