nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
You Might Also Like
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Going to church you guys need anything
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude