The French word for sex is croissant.
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”