ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.