me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.