Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
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1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.