I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no