Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
me hitting on a model
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.