Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
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Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.