[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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if my sleeping schedule was a person
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.