Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I followed the link to your rĂŠsumĂŠ but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, Iâm a Cancer
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Everyone hates millennials until itâs time to convert a PDF into a Word document
technically true but not a great slogan
Drive thru window one: âCan I have a name for your order?â
Me: âFree.â
Drive thru window two: âI have an order for Free.â
Me: âThanks!â
*drives away quickly*
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommĂŠ using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Going into Monday like
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
đ¤Ł
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him đ
âFINISH HIM,â I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Mechanic: Youâre ready to roll.
Me: I think Iâd rather drive.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[First date]
Date: so youâre profile said youâre a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins