If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
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Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
this FaceApp is creepy af
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.