Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
the three genders
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking