My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.