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*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
eggs benadryl
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends