Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My daily affirmation
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.