*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.