*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me trying to “trust the process”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
lmfao
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.