Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.