hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
You Might Also Like
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Would you wear it?
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached