[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
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If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink