Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk