My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
You Might Also Like
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.