4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
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PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Ain’t no way
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle