Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.