idk flipping houses looks really hard
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.