[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”